Today was a hard day, but it has inspired me to come back to blog.
I've been busy keeping myself safe and grounded in the last few weeks. I have to. Right now, at this point in time, I'm pregnant. I'm 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Today I was at the hospital where I gave birth to my daughter last September. That magical science worked it's spell on me, again, I am so very lucky and also very scared.
It was so very hard to go to the hospital knowing that it was where I'd heard those fateful words....
"I'm sorry but your baby has died"
I dread that I'll here those words again.
In that vein, I've told quite a few people that I'm pregnant. If it goes wrong I will need support, and if it goes right I will need support. I'm still a single girl doing this on my own.
I told them all with a smile and a desperate attempt to put joy and excitement in my voice. I'm not joyful or excited really. I'm scared and reserved. I want to be excited and joyful but those emotions elude me currently.
Some respond with hugs and smiles and my favourite response, so far, was "I can be an aunty and an uncle". Some struggled to say anything except "well I won't get excited" or do anything except look pained and force a smile to stay on their faces.
I suppose the blog is evolving.... I'm sick again, and as predicted, worse than last time. I've lost 15.1lb in 20 days. It's officially Hyperemesis Gravidum again, so the blog will be about that again too.
I'm hoping for support and love, as well as a little excitement and joy eventually. I'm strapped in to the seat on this rollercoaster and hanging on for dear life.
Thursday, 21 May 2015
Saturday, 2 May 2015
So today I felt strong enough to blog again. After some radio silence I thought I'd try to put something up.
I've spent a lot of the last 2ish weeks reeling. There's a lot going on in my world again suddenly, and my adjustment period to any changes or new things has increased (almost exponentially) since my daughter died. I can't really a explain it any other way, I suppose when she died I broke, and now every broken piece of me needs to adjust to each new thing so it takes a little longer.
My yearning to be a mother is no smaller since my daughter died, and as you you she was the wonderful result of some amazing science and a whole lot of luck. I've revisited the science, but you know that too, and luck was not with me. I'm extremely privileged to be able to have more attempts at IVF, and I am a proud mummy to my 'embabies' (I've been on a few IVF support forums and that's what they call embryos, either frozen, as mine are, or fresh from a current cycle of IVF. I love the term and have adopted it).
It would be a shame for them not to have a chance at being more than embabies, and in a big step I had another round of IVF.
I didn't cope very well with the process this time so have taken a step back and really focused on keeping myself safe and in a sane frame of mind. I'm not sure whether blogging helps or hinders in keeping me safe and sane but it feels better not to have it all running around in my head.
It's hard to do, between work and other commitments, me coming first is a real rarity. I'm learning that it can't stay that way if I'm to stay safe and sane. I hope that you all realised before me that you need 'me time' for the sake of your sanity. If not maybe this is the light bulb moment for you?
I've spent a lot of the last 2ish weeks reeling. There's a lot going on in my world again suddenly, and my adjustment period to any changes or new things has increased (almost exponentially) since my daughter died. I can't really a explain it any other way, I suppose when she died I broke, and now every broken piece of me needs to adjust to each new thing so it takes a little longer.
My yearning to be a mother is no smaller since my daughter died, and as you you she was the wonderful result of some amazing science and a whole lot of luck. I've revisited the science, but you know that too, and luck was not with me. I'm extremely privileged to be able to have more attempts at IVF, and I am a proud mummy to my 'embabies' (I've been on a few IVF support forums and that's what they call embryos, either frozen, as mine are, or fresh from a current cycle of IVF. I love the term and have adopted it).
It would be a shame for them not to have a chance at being more than embabies, and in a big step I had another round of IVF.
I didn't cope very well with the process this time so have taken a step back and really focused on keeping myself safe and in a sane frame of mind. I'm not sure whether blogging helps or hinders in keeping me safe and sane but it feels better not to have it all running around in my head.
It's hard to do, between work and other commitments, me coming first is a real rarity. I'm learning that it can't stay that way if I'm to stay safe and sane. I hope that you all realised before me that you need 'me time' for the sake of your sanity. If not maybe this is the light bulb moment for you?
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