Today I need to vent and scream and tell everyone how I feel.... trouble is I've been on my own all day.

All alone that is apart from the blessings in my growing stomach. Yep, blessingS - with an 's', in the plural. The miracle science that is IVF has blessed me with two babies.

I'm doubly scared but doubly excited, doubly sick and doubly tired but also looking forward to double the love and hugs.

I'm very tired and have lost a further 12lbs since my last blog so the HG is still very much active and the babies seem to be growing at some rate. I have quite a tummy already, at just 11 weeks pregnant.  From my last ultrasound everything looks fine, and the twins seem to be in separate  amniotic sacs so likely to be non identical twins although testing later on will confirm that, or not.

I'm already having a lot of pain in my hips and low down in my abdomen which is sometimes helped by a uber sexy white elastic support belt, but is not helping to a lay the fear that I battle on a daily basis. The fear that something will go wrong and one or both of my babies will die.

Some of my most supportive friends are excitedly asking how I'm doing and when my next appointment is. I try to excitedly answer them but I feel as if I'm going through the motions. Desperately trying to sound convincingly happy.

It's far too late to talk about 'not becoming attached' to the twins. I'm attached - taking weekly bump shots and keeping a personal journal with my letters and thoughts to them, but it's like a suspended reality - so hard to completely embrace for fear that what is left of my soul will be completely destroyed by not one, but two more deaths.

I'm trying to remain positive, after all one of my previous pregnancies never got this far. I can hope.  I am hopeful and I am sure that if I get to hold two beautiful babies in my arms it will all have been worth it.

I hope any of you reading this and travelling a similar path are able to embrace moments of your pregnancies and capture them .... Then as time goes on find more and more moments to embrace.  Right now I'm embracing telling you all about my twins. 2 babies. How lucky am I?