Today was a barely surviving day.

Today, for no apparent reason, I struggled. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to eat and I definitely didn't want to go to work. However I did all of those things.

I spent lots of time in the first 2 months after my daughter died, last September,  succumbing to the urge to stay in bed and do nothing but cry and wail. (Much to the disgust of my control freak self.) I couldn't actually, physically, do anything else. I had a post partum bleed after my daughter was born and I was very tired and anemic for weeks on top of the obvious symptoms of grief.

I stayed in the hospital, recovering from the physicality of a 19 hour induced labour and natural childbirth, and post partum bleed for 2 1/2 days after my daughter was born.  In those 2 1/2 days I held my daughter, washed and dressed her, took photos of her. Her name was already decided and I revelled in using it, not knowing how often - if ever - I would use it once we were separated permanently. 

My daughter's death last year,  hit me harder than the deaths of my other children. Maybe because I had fought through so much to have her, maybe because she was officially viable even after a couple of scares earlier in my pregnancy and maybe because I wasn't  in a relationship, and sorely lacking support in my decision to have her. I've not quite worked out exactly why I struggled so much and continue to do so.

All I know in this moment is that I have survived to this point, I have survived today and I will continue to survive. Today I got out of bed, I ate and I went to work. I can do it, so can you. I understand that if you are reading this you may know exactly what I'm talking about, you may be struggling each and every day. I'm sorry if you can resonates with this but I'm glad you found this blog. In the hope you know it's not just you, as I am coming to understand it is not just me, struggling.

We are living without out children and it's hard. I took the best care of me today and I encourage you all to do the same. A wise friend of mine often reminds me that 'one needs to take the best care of oneself and enable others to take the best care of themselves'.